I just completed my third assignment of the week. It's been a tough struggle! I could hardly wait for the entire nightmare to be over.
Went to attend a wedding dinner last night. At some point I was actually moved to tears. Two person wanting to spend the rest of their lives with each other because of love and commitment. He held her hand and walked into the ballroom and everyone was clapping. She was all smiles and so was he. There was even a presentation of how they met etc etc.
Hmm. Why do people want to get married? How can they bear with the thought of living with just this person for the rest of your life? What if it turns out to be a mistake? How can you risk such an important decision?
Well I really do want to have a wedding ceremony. To me it's not having to conform to traditions, but rather, having to wear that gown, that ring and take those pictures.. in short, it's a celebration to the beginning of a new chapter of your life..
But do I really want to get married? What if the feelings fade? What if there's a third party? How to tell little nicole that daddy's not gonna come home anymore? What if having little nicole strains the relationship?
Dearie said
he's never gonna have a wedding ceremony, maybe never gonna get married. I admire
his conviction in abiding by
his principles and beliefs. I can never be so sure.
Right now I'm facing a stalemate in my relationship and maybe deep inside I know what to do about it but because of the uncertainties, I'm not able to come up with a decision. It's very painful to part after having being together for more than 4 years, but I'm definitely not holding on for the sake of doing so.
Yet obvious clashes in ideals would surface from time to time and there's no point being in denial. I need to be cruel to myself.
*crying.
