Looking back, I can hardly believe that I survived 2003. It was such a rocky path and for the first time in my 20 years, I doubted my existence.
Last year, I had my countdown party in Malaysia, back at Uncle Song's place. We were all back because he was critically ill. As a matter of fact, his condition deteriorated within a span of four months. He left us on 11th January 2003. It was a painful moment. Deep inside I have so many regrets. So many of them. I never stopped thinking about him.
Then there was a time when dear broke my heart and shattered it when he told a lie. In case you are wondering, he didn't cheat on me. But well, nevertheless it was totally devastating and I never quite got over it. Then a period of depression ensued. There were lots of tears, lots of heartaches, lots of hiding-in-the-room and lots of panadols.
I think after this incident I matured quite a bit, and am still learning to let go of certain things and not take things too hard. Up till today, I am still leaving in the shadow of the lie because of my inability to breakthrough from that same dimension. Not surprisingly, our relationship is in a pretty bad shape and both of us are not sure if we want to salvage it anymore. Too painful to stay together.
I was not only upset about him lying, but also the extent of his lie. In his imaginery world, at first I was non-existent, then I became the "ex" when I tried to make myself known, then he was the delivery master who sent her around and they spent a great deal of time together - without me knowing. It was at a time when I trusted him most. Cannot bring myself to trust anymore.
It's painful because of the intensity of my love and the damage is profound. I am currently struggling with trying to forgive and forget and I think both are equally hard. I've been trying to evaluate our relationship and he's been really trying to put everything back together again. But it's been mentally tormenting and exhausting on both sides.
Yes dear, I know you are trying very hard. I know how hysterical and unreasonable I became.
As per today, we've been together for 4 years and 4 months. That's roughly 20% of my life so far. Can't exactly say that every moment had been wonderful, but we've been through a lot. It wasn't an easy ride at all.
Next year, I hope to live by what my mentor had told me:
Somethings are worth crying for, but somethings are just not worth so much tears and heartaches.
Of course, I wouldn't make it till today without the support from my friends and family. My sister had to rush back home when I was puking non-stop from over-dosage. My friends had to listen to my sobbings over the phone and put up with my sudden outburst. My mentor had to knock some sense into my head. They did all these for me even though I didn't really tell them what happened. I was just keeping quiet because it is too painful to say and explain everything. I have the tendency to keep things to myself and indulge in self-denial.
Thank you friends. You know who you are.
Few days before my 20th birthday, I got slapped by my dad for the first time in my entire life. Of course, I have never been canned or beaten by my dad so that slap was pretty devastating. Then I didn't talk to him for months! And it was for some petty misunderstanding because he was angry with my sister. And then I got slapped. Strictly speaking it was totally uncalled for. He tried to apologise but the damage was too great. We are in better terms now but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I got my driving license in August, passed the test on my fifth attempt. Yes I can picture many of you laughing at me, but I'm proud of myself because I pulled through. I nearly gave up but stayed on because of encouragement from people around me. It was largely attributed to the lack of luck and I guessed it's fated that I have to spend so much (I didn't pay for it btw). Or like what some said: Maybe it's fated that I must be driven around.
I survived another two semesters in NUS. Uni is not easy at all! Plus the fact that I have a lot of commitments so it's really hard to stay focused. There's tuitions, friends, bf, family, school and hall stuff. I'm always running around for something or someone, never have enough time for myself. Looks like I have to stop thinking that I'm some Super woman. Need to slow down in order to savour life. Need to start living for myself.
And yes, I've drifted significantly from this particular group of friends. At first it was because I was working with some of the girls and there was some conflict so I just began my disappearing act. And yes, I've learnt NEVER EVER to work with friends anymore if you still want to remain friends with them. Then soon it became a habit and I was used to not meeting up with them anymore. Hence the drift. But I missed spending time with them - doing silly things like loitering on the streets or malls, ice-skating, coffee, movies.. just everything. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea to get back at all.
Perhaps it's part of growing up - I start to feel so small and ignorant. There's actually a big, wide world outside, waiting for me to explore and I only have roughly three-quarters of my life left to do so. I want to travel around the world - Tokyo, Beijing, Bangkok, Taipei, Hong Kong, Sydney, Toronto, Boston, New York, Amsterdam, Manchester, Berlin, Paris, London.........
2003 had been a year of realisation, growing consciousness of many issues that I had been previously rather oblivious to. Time for reality to set in.
Cheers to a brighter and more beautiful 2004.
I can hardly wait to be 21.
Happy New Year!
