Yeah I caught my first RA show today! Well actually there were nothing that was really too much for the young mind, except for a few scenes, so I can't really understand what's the whole fuss about such a rating.
Anyway I am pretty haunted ever since I stepped out of the cinema because of what happened to the female lead in the movie. In short, it's about me feeling what she felt because I've "been there" and seeing myself voyeuristically is plain scary and it just brings back unpleasant memories. No, I'm not some self-proclaimed poet or what, but I can identity with scenes of her battling depression and living in the third dimension that she had created.
Okay it might sound a little bit psychotic here. On top of having indulge in this third dimension, she has to learn to juggle this 'second life' with her current dimension - her kids, her writings, her survival, chores to be done etc. On my side, it's about having to complete my assignments, call up sponsors, coordinate stuff, eating, talking to people, while trying to stay unconscious for as long as I can. The blinds would be down, my room would be dark and gloomy and I would not want to wake up, to gain consciousness at all. Staying awake and be aware of everything that's happening is almost like a torment. Taking lots of pills was the only easy way out to numb myself.
I'm not sure if I would ever be thrown into such situation again, but once you are in that dimension, you're almost trapped there and it's hard to get out. It's sucks you in like a vacuum cleaner and it takes a lot of will and determination to go against it. During that period of time, I literally shut almost everyone out of my life. I would hide inside my room because I don't want to face anyone, I would not answer calls too.
I just don't like to talk. Maybe I see no point in talking about something that has no solutions. Something that's immpossible to change. Or perhaps it's just some changes that are irreversible.
I woke up from this nightmare, but it stays with me.
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Looking at my neighbours who are shifting out, I can't help but feel that time really flies. My memories of shifting out at this time last year are still vivid and this sense of emptiness and sadness is but a familiar feeling too. It had been a year of utter heartbreak, torment. I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still trapped in the same dimension.
Time to move on, move out, move away!
Time to break free...
