I haven't been writing much since the beginning of the year. Or actually since my godma left.. Everything just seemed to trivial.. so insignificant.. like I shouldn't spend time pondering over anything at all because not like they actually matter.
I guessed its quite an abstract mentality.. its not that I had totally gone Zen and denouncing everything.. its just that things doesn't feel the same anymore - the irritating customer, the most desirable Chanel bag, the run at gym, the movies to catch, the frustrating career route, the annoying bf/gf - just everything.. I feel so redundant talking about these.. because they are not things that you'll bring with you when you die. But how many of us can truly grasp that?
I was watching my fav crime series on tv - Cold Case (Tues 11pm Channel 5), and the latest episode was on a serial killer who's dying of a terminal disease. He kills to find out how human would react upon knowing that they are going to die in order to prepare for his own and he always make them write a will. He kills by burying the victims alive in a chest. The murderer related something along these lines.. "
How do you feel being alone? Being alone deep under.. there's no sound and no one at all.. just you alone..and there's no way to get out of it.. its the end.."My godma opted for burial rather than cremation.. for weeks after her death.. I kept wondering if she's ok being alone.. being so far away from home (she used to reside in Pasir Ris and now, CCK Chinese Cemetery).. I wondered if she was scared at night, I wondered if there were bugs disturbing her.. These might come across as rather morbid thoughts but it still seemed so surreal that she's gone.. and there are so many regrets I have.. when I finally 'had the time' and 'cared enough' to be with her.. she couldn't even speak anymore.. just what was I busy with? Just what was I chasing after?
So friends, what are the things that you can bring with you when you die? Start blocking out the redundant heartaches and headaches, life is too short.
